Inside Job

Being a great athlete is like growing a great mustache - after hard work over a long time, you can pull some real tail ~ unknown

My twitter feed is fed by runners.....I'm following people I don't even know because they run. I started with Oiselle flock folks with their amazing bodies and stunning race accomplishments.....Oiselle really strives to surround themselves with winners. Posts such as "take notes 5 race day tips from 1000m national champion" and all the #oiselleflock are filled with emotions and thoughts of "OMG I wish I looked like that" all the way to "why can't I run like that?" On the one hand, the pictures and posts are motivational. Yet, to be very honest, on the other hand, I feel "lack".

I've started following #sweatpink and #girlsgonesporty.....those particular ambassador groups are filled with athletes with a good mix of "all sorts; shapes and sizes and speeds and abilities". I read the books and blogs about the "back of the pack" and how winning is crossing the start line and I struggle. I wrestle with mediocrity.....and why I turn everything into "wanting to be the best" leaving off "I can be". I also wonder why I keep making my life about "always striving"? Is that what life is?

These feelings come bubbling up from my workout yesterday. I've had the flu for two weeks and have been frustrated with the level of "tired" I've been living with. I've not run for two freaking weeks and before that I was just going through the motions on the treadmill in my half marathon aftermath: that place where I could find no motivation to head towards what's next. I started my day with a 5 mile run and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was struggling with my heart rate at the end of the run. I headed into my workout and was asked to get on the scales and weigh. That act of weighing...being asked to allow somebody else to hold me accountable sent me into a tailspin of old muscle memory. Much like the driving binge of a few weeks ago, I had not realized that muscle of dysfunctional thinking was still alive and strong in me.

I'm soul searching right now. I've lost a lot of weight, trained and run a half marathon for me without anybody policing the plan. I don't often need external motivation although I do find I need direction when it comes to training. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I'm not going to do it, I'll be honest and say that as well. If I am asked to not do something, I might do it anyway. I want to enjoy my runs.....I don't mind doing runs that are hard to be able to enjoy my easy runs. I want to get stronger and I do know I need to lose more weight but I want to do it for me. The feeling of somebody monitoring my weight progress and the shame that might come from me not meeting their expectation is NOT what I want from myself. At the end of all this rambling, I want to stop comparing myself to others.

Thus begins my journey of living my life to it's fullest, without comparison to anyone but myself, and finding a bit of support along the way. Support feels so much different than say accountability: one feels like celebration while the other feels like a huge risk for disappointment. I know I have so much digging to do.....but at the start of this....I want to find the celebration of ME. I want to embrace my size, shape, weight, skin, running times, strength just as I am....today. The rest of what's ahead is work I need to do inside......I need that work more than I need to loose weight or I need to get stronger or I need to stay off the trails......

seize the day!