Friday, December 29, 2017
Friday, September 4, 2015
The Year of Change
I just started reading the book by Jared Fogel, the spokesperson for Subway, the fellow who lost over 250 pounds supposedly while eating Subway sandwiches. At his heaviest, he weighed in at 450 pounds. So far, it has been a good read; pretty much every book I am reading and listening to is addressing addiction. In this particular book, Jared talks about all addictions and I believe, as I delve in further, we are going to look at this in depth. Ironical that he just got convicted of crimes against children, having sex with minors as young as 13 and being caught with child porn on his computer. Looks like he might have just traded one addiction for another.
There is a part of me, big huge part, that find him disgusting.....really, child porn is not anything less that pedaling cocaine to our youth. What the hell is wrong with him, I muse. I also think about not reading his book anymore....I want my money back....bastard! Hope he rots in jail because I hear they have a special program in jail for crimes against kids! Then I step back and think.....your eating is not any different then his child porn. All that cake you have eaten in the last week......NO DIFFERENCE. Too bad YOU can't go to jail for your addiction!!!!
It's true. Addiction is addiction is addiction and the second I stop and think that mine is "better than" any other, I fall prey to being okay living in the dark trenches of a secret life running amok. I get found out because I have to buy size 30 pants! I wear my addiction......I think I will keep reading the book looking for insight but instead of pity or revulsion for Jared....I want to find some love for myself. I'm tired of dragging my addiction along with me for the ride.
I bought a scale for my little bathroom. Before the scale was in the master bathroom and weighing was a huge ordeal of waiting till Dave was good and gone and by then I had eaten! Today, I weighed 187. The first thoughts into my brain were, "well it could have been so worse with the shit you've been shoveling down your throat, missy!" Second thought: time to get to work.......
MV sent me a book by John O'Donohue called To Bless the Space Between Us. It is a neat little read that is broken into sections...sort of like a daily devotional where you can self diagnosis then read a little poem he wrote about the feeling. Today I read addiction.....it was pretty freaking awesome. I already know a moth will kill itself being drawn to a flame....just had not seen myself and my eating that way.
Today, I am going for a little jog down in my bottom pasture. I am sitting here, all suited up and ready to roll....not sure how far I will go or how long I will go for but I am going. Meditating at night when I can't sleep has been a real gift as well. I wonder, in the morning, if that meditation counts or works for that matter...but I am sleeping way better regardless of who might be keeping score. I also went on to find a few runs to love......Girlfriends Run for a Cure is coming up but is a half of a half. I'm not sure I can be ready for that in October. This year, the Hot Buttered Rum Run is a 5K or half marathon. I really loved that run last year.....although it was the start of my pneumonia. I'm going to sign up for the 5K...it was such a fun run! Feels good to find runs that I enjoyed last year....weird to not be pushing for St. Jude.
2015 really has been the year of change!
Seize the day!
There is a part of me, big huge part, that find him disgusting.....really, child porn is not anything less that pedaling cocaine to our youth. What the hell is wrong with him, I muse. I also think about not reading his book anymore....I want my money back....bastard! Hope he rots in jail because I hear they have a special program in jail for crimes against kids! Then I step back and think.....your eating is not any different then his child porn. All that cake you have eaten in the last week......NO DIFFERENCE. Too bad YOU can't go to jail for your addiction!!!!
It's true. Addiction is addiction is addiction and the second I stop and think that mine is "better than" any other, I fall prey to being okay living in the dark trenches of a secret life running amok. I get found out because I have to buy size 30 pants! I wear my addiction......I think I will keep reading the book looking for insight but instead of pity or revulsion for Jared....I want to find some love for myself. I'm tired of dragging my addiction along with me for the ride.
I bought a scale for my little bathroom. Before the scale was in the master bathroom and weighing was a huge ordeal of waiting till Dave was good and gone and by then I had eaten! Today, I weighed 187. The first thoughts into my brain were, "well it could have been so worse with the shit you've been shoveling down your throat, missy!" Second thought: time to get to work.......
MV sent me a book by John O'Donohue called To Bless the Space Between Us. It is a neat little read that is broken into sections...sort of like a daily devotional where you can self diagnosis then read a little poem he wrote about the feeling. Today I read addiction.....it was pretty freaking awesome. I already know a moth will kill itself being drawn to a flame....just had not seen myself and my eating that way.
Today, I am going for a little jog down in my bottom pasture. I am sitting here, all suited up and ready to roll....not sure how far I will go or how long I will go for but I am going. Meditating at night when I can't sleep has been a real gift as well. I wonder, in the morning, if that meditation counts or works for that matter...but I am sleeping way better regardless of who might be keeping score. I also went on to find a few runs to love......Girlfriends Run for a Cure is coming up but is a half of a half. I'm not sure I can be ready for that in October. This year, the Hot Buttered Rum Run is a 5K or half marathon. I really loved that run last year.....although it was the start of my pneumonia. I'm going to sign up for the 5K...it was such a fun run! Feels good to find runs that I enjoyed last year....weird to not be pushing for St. Jude.
2015 really has been the year of change!
Seize the day!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Demons and Dragons
Recently, I had a friend pass away. She was my age, young really when you consider a full life. Our journey's joined through our dogs and the weekends we would spend at clinics and trials. She lived the most amazing and full life yet she battled some demons and dragons.....she was obese. We shared that in common as well, a deep dark struggle with food, bodies, brains.
I used to think the struggle was with my body...I've spent many a year hating mine. I watched as my friend got a lap band allowing her to loose weight like it was melting off. We talked a lot about the surgery...I longed to have my weight leave...but I was afraid of the surgery and what might end up being long lasting ramifications from the decision to have one. She lost over 100 pounds and then something happened, I don't remember exactly what, and the lap band had to be drained. She gained it all back plus another 50. We talked a lot about "that".
I started juicing three years ago and found paleo two years ago. Those two diet changes helped me become "normal" according to the weight charts from the health industry. I added running to my list of things I do and I love the changes running has given my body. And yet, here I am writing, I am really struggling right now with food. I find myself always hungry. As the miles add up, my hunger increases and I'm frustrated beyond measure because I eat!
I think of my friend and all the other folks that really struggle with food and more realistic, the amount of food that goes into the body. I eat pretty darn clean, problem is quantity. As the miles increase, so does my hunger. I wonder, "why can't this be easy?" I know I am not alone in my struggle....I am digging deep and searching for answers. Is there some magic herb that might decrease my appetite and give me relief? Is this "hunger" in my head and not really physical? If so, what does it stand for?
I am digging deep and searching for ideas on how to tame the dragons and slay the demons. Personal growth is what I am longing for. I know I can be hungry but I'd like to find a way to okay with food, my body, eat to live. It is my one regret as I think of my friend....I wish with all my heart has....that we could have conquered this together. That I could have helped her in some small way to find peace with herself and not struggle so much being tormented by food.
As I investigate, I wonder about meditation, visualization, tapping, herbs, water intake. I will soldier on......part of me knows that instead of eating to curb the hunger, or denying the hunger, I might want to begin to experiment with the above ideas to find some ways to remove the hunger. I'm just thankful the days are getting longer and the sun shines......I think being busy "helps" but it not the answer. I do know there are answers out there.....
Seize the Day!
I used to think the struggle was with my body...I've spent many a year hating mine. I watched as my friend got a lap band allowing her to loose weight like it was melting off. We talked a lot about the surgery...I longed to have my weight leave...but I was afraid of the surgery and what might end up being long lasting ramifications from the decision to have one. She lost over 100 pounds and then something happened, I don't remember exactly what, and the lap band had to be drained. She gained it all back plus another 50. We talked a lot about "that".
I started juicing three years ago and found paleo two years ago. Those two diet changes helped me become "normal" according to the weight charts from the health industry. I added running to my list of things I do and I love the changes running has given my body. And yet, here I am writing, I am really struggling right now with food. I find myself always hungry. As the miles add up, my hunger increases and I'm frustrated beyond measure because I eat!
I think of my friend and all the other folks that really struggle with food and more realistic, the amount of food that goes into the body. I eat pretty darn clean, problem is quantity. As the miles increase, so does my hunger. I wonder, "why can't this be easy?" I know I am not alone in my struggle....I am digging deep and searching for answers. Is there some magic herb that might decrease my appetite and give me relief? Is this "hunger" in my head and not really physical? If so, what does it stand for?
I am digging deep and searching for ideas on how to tame the dragons and slay the demons. Personal growth is what I am longing for. I know I can be hungry but I'd like to find a way to okay with food, my body, eat to live. It is my one regret as I think of my friend....I wish with all my heart has....that we could have conquered this together. That I could have helped her in some small way to find peace with herself and not struggle so much being tormented by food.
As I investigate, I wonder about meditation, visualization, tapping, herbs, water intake. I will soldier on......part of me knows that instead of eating to curb the hunger, or denying the hunger, I might want to begin to experiment with the above ideas to find some ways to remove the hunger. I'm just thankful the days are getting longer and the sun shines......I think being busy "helps" but it not the answer. I do know there are answers out there.....
Seize the Day!
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Hitting the Trail
I'm working at getting back to 20-30 miles per week....every training email I receive says.....GO SLOW! I'm thinking about the "too's" McMillan running sent me....too many miles, too soon, too much. But wait...I have a half marathon in just a month and couple weeks!
I'm trying some new "stuff"....running in the pool for starters. It's a bit boring and I don't feel a runners high but when I step out of the water....I feel the workout. So I will keep to that every now and then.
I am also beginning to do some trail running. I bought a little book with maps of trails in the Corvallis area....man are there a lot of trails or what! I'll start experimenting with those.....increasing the difficulty of terrain and altitude gain but for now...I'm loving the view.
After my last speed work session at the track....I finished with an easy run around the park. My right foot is having some issues and I began to look at how long I have been running in my favorite shoes. Perhaps it is time for a new pair of kicks?
I'm beginning the process of breaking these bad girls in. They will be seeing some serious miles come what May.....and so I am off and running.
Seize the Day!
I'm trying some new "stuff"....running in the pool for starters. It's a bit boring and I don't feel a runners high but when I step out of the water....I feel the workout. So I will keep to that every now and then.
I am also beginning to do some trail running. I bought a little book with maps of trails in the Corvallis area....man are there a lot of trails or what! I'll start experimenting with those.....increasing the difficulty of terrain and altitude gain but for now...I'm loving the view.
After my last speed work session at the track....I finished with an easy run around the park. My right foot is having some issues and I began to look at how long I have been running in my favorite shoes. Perhaps it is time for a new pair of kicks?
I'm beginning the process of breaking these bad girls in. They will be seeing some serious miles come what May.....and so I am off and running.
Seize the Day!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Run to Get Lucky
Yesterday was just the BEST! Lindsay and I ran such a super fun and fast course in Corvallis called "Run to get lucky".
The day started warm but rainy...and it stayed that way the whole day. The race started in the afternoon, I've always started in the morning so this was an interesting change for me. All in all, I just loved the whole run! It's a fast course on a bike trail with some rolling hills to it. I started out way faster than I ever have because Lindsay is super fast (and young) and I kept my heart rate much faster than I intended the whole way around. I also love the fact it was up and back so I got to see Lindsay as she headed back towards the finish line. Next time I'll be ready with my phone to take a pic! Lastly, when I got to the last "hill", I power walked like I had been practicing and actually picked up my pace all the while getting my heart rate under control. When the course flattened out, I was able to run again and finish strong with a PR though just 15 seconds faster than my best time.
Here is what I learned.
1) 5Ks are very much about pushing the management. I ran much longer with my heart rate about 150 and even more minutes above 160 than I ever have in a race. When I got above 175 I walked and that was a new tactic for me....one I have been practicing as all I've read says I need to train my fast walking muscles too. I'm a little sore today but not bad....my right hip is still giving me issues.
2)I've lost a little conditioning. I've got a plan and am beginning to put the little details into place.
3) I'm going to do more 5K's and work on time...I'll add is some 10K's too. The little races scare me with the longer distances because I really don't want to be last but that is something I need to work out in me.
As spring begins to make it's appearance here in the valley, it feels good to get back out and run with people. I drove Lindsay around and showed her some of the cool running places in the Corvallis area. I think I'll start heading down there and running those paths and trails adding back the miles for the long runs.
Seize the day!
The day started warm but rainy...and it stayed that way the whole day. The race started in the afternoon, I've always started in the morning so this was an interesting change for me. All in all, I just loved the whole run! It's a fast course on a bike trail with some rolling hills to it. I started out way faster than I ever have because Lindsay is super fast (and young) and I kept my heart rate much faster than I intended the whole way around. I also love the fact it was up and back so I got to see Lindsay as she headed back towards the finish line. Next time I'll be ready with my phone to take a pic! Lastly, when I got to the last "hill", I power walked like I had been practicing and actually picked up my pace all the while getting my heart rate under control. When the course flattened out, I was able to run again and finish strong with a PR though just 15 seconds faster than my best time.
Here is what I learned.
1) 5Ks are very much about pushing the management. I ran much longer with my heart rate about 150 and even more minutes above 160 than I ever have in a race. When I got above 175 I walked and that was a new tactic for me....one I have been practicing as all I've read says I need to train my fast walking muscles too. I'm a little sore today but not bad....my right hip is still giving me issues.
2)I've lost a little conditioning. I've got a plan and am beginning to put the little details into place.
3) I'm going to do more 5K's and work on time...I'll add is some 10K's too. The little races scare me with the longer distances because I really don't want to be last but that is something I need to work out in me.
As spring begins to make it's appearance here in the valley, it feels good to get back out and run with people. I drove Lindsay around and showed her some of the cool running places in the Corvallis area. I think I'll start heading down there and running those paths and trails adding back the miles for the long runs.
Seize the day!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Do I Like Running??
Last Thursday, I found a loop that I fell in love with...outside and in the country. My original country runs have been totally ruined by three dogs and a broken down, three board horse fence that allows those dogs to come at me. The long gravel road runs are a thing of my pass and I am grieving them all the while looking for new ways to fill my soul and feed my endorphin habit. I ran my new road three times in the past week.....once 6 miles and twice 4. One new challenge is that I have two miles out and two miles back of side road running on a pretty busy road forcing me to run against traffic to be safe. This has left my right hip and buttock unbelievable tight and sore.
I ponder this soreness...attempting to embrace it as little badges of earning back my long distance legs. I roll out diligently but still don't find relief as I hit the treadmill or the track as I grabbed a sip of speed work last Sunday. The running miles are coming back to me, slowly but surely and with them new challenges.
Today at my workout, my trainer asked if I like running....I almost laughed out loud. I LOVE running all the while there are days I really despise it and others it is something to do and yet others I don't run. But at the end of it all, I LOVE RUNNING! I love what it does to my head, my muscles, my fat and my "feelings". I can't imagine not running and yes, there are days when I just want to run because I want to run. I don't always want to have a big fat greek goal for why I run....I just want to run. I'll do my speed work, my hills, my long runs and then.....there are days I just want to run and be okay running with how ever the heck far I want to run because I LOVE IT like I love chatting with a good friend. I don't run with other people because running is time to spend with me. I like it that way.
A couple ideas come to mind as I push into more miles....once my new swimsuit coverup dress gets here I am running in the pool. That is absolutely something I want to try...I want to push myself in the pool and see what it feels like to not worry about my knee or my hip or milk trucks for that matter. I'm also looking for a way to jump my neighbor's fence (the nice neighbors) that will kick me out past the three dog house and allow me to my secret country roads lined with gravel without hardly a vehicle allowing me to run right up the middle of the road. I'll keep looking for some decently groomed trails too...and I'll soldier on.
Do I like running? hahahahaha! That's a bit like asking a drug addict if they like cocaine! (well, sort of)
Seize the Day!!!
I ponder this soreness...attempting to embrace it as little badges of earning back my long distance legs. I roll out diligently but still don't find relief as I hit the treadmill or the track as I grabbed a sip of speed work last Sunday. The running miles are coming back to me, slowly but surely and with them new challenges.
Today at my workout, my trainer asked if I like running....I almost laughed out loud. I LOVE running all the while there are days I really despise it and others it is something to do and yet others I don't run. But at the end of it all, I LOVE RUNNING! I love what it does to my head, my muscles, my fat and my "feelings". I can't imagine not running and yes, there are days when I just want to run because I want to run. I don't always want to have a big fat greek goal for why I run....I just want to run. I'll do my speed work, my hills, my long runs and then.....there are days I just want to run and be okay running with how ever the heck far I want to run because I LOVE IT like I love chatting with a good friend. I don't run with other people because running is time to spend with me. I like it that way.
A couple ideas come to mind as I push into more miles....once my new swimsuit coverup dress gets here I am running in the pool. That is absolutely something I want to try...I want to push myself in the pool and see what it feels like to not worry about my knee or my hip or milk trucks for that matter. I'm also looking for a way to jump my neighbor's fence (the nice neighbors) that will kick me out past the three dog house and allow me to my secret country roads lined with gravel without hardly a vehicle allowing me to run right up the middle of the road. I'll keep looking for some decently groomed trails too...and I'll soldier on.
Do I like running? hahahahaha! That's a bit like asking a drug addict if they like cocaine! (well, sort of)
Seize the Day!!!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Inside Job
Being a great athlete is like growing a great mustache - after hard work over a long time, you can pull some real tail ~ unknown
My twitter feed is fed by runners.....I'm following people I don't even know because they run. I started with Oiselle flock folks with their amazing bodies and stunning race accomplishments.....Oiselle really strives to surround themselves with winners. Posts such as "take notes 5 race day tips from 1000m national champion" and all the #oiselleflock are filled with emotions and thoughts of "OMG I wish I looked like that" all the way to "why can't I run like that?" On the one hand, the pictures and posts are motivational. Yet, to be very honest, on the other hand, I feel "lack".
I've started following #sweatpink and #girlsgonesporty.....those particular ambassador groups are filled with athletes with a good mix of "all sorts; shapes and sizes and speeds and abilities". I read the books and blogs about the "back of the pack" and how winning is crossing the start line and I struggle. I wrestle with mediocrity.....and why I turn everything into "wanting to be the best" leaving off "I can be". I also wonder why I keep making my life about "always striving"? Is that what life is?
These feelings come bubbling up from my workout yesterday. I've had the flu for two weeks and have been frustrated with the level of "tired" I've been living with. I've not run for two freaking weeks and before that I was just going through the motions on the treadmill in my half marathon aftermath: that place where I could find no motivation to head towards what's next. I started my day with a 5 mile run and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was struggling with my heart rate at the end of the run. I headed into my workout and was asked to get on the scales and weigh. That act of weighing...being asked to allow somebody else to hold me accountable sent me into a tailspin of old muscle memory. Much like the driving binge of a few weeks ago, I had not realized that muscle of dysfunctional thinking was still alive and strong in me.
I'm soul searching right now. I've lost a lot of weight, trained and run a half marathon for me without anybody policing the plan. I don't often need external motivation although I do find I need direction when it comes to training. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I'm not going to do it, I'll be honest and say that as well. If I am asked to not do something, I might do it anyway. I want to enjoy my runs.....I don't mind doing runs that are hard to be able to enjoy my easy runs. I want to get stronger and I do know I need to lose more weight but I want to do it for me. The feeling of somebody monitoring my weight progress and the shame that might come from me not meeting their expectation is NOT what I want from myself. At the end of all this rambling, I want to stop comparing myself to others.
Thus begins my journey of living my life to it's fullest, without comparison to anyone but myself, and finding a bit of support along the way. Support feels so much different than say accountability: one feels like celebration while the other feels like a huge risk for disappointment. I know I have so much digging to do.....but at the start of this....I want to find the celebration of ME. I want to embrace my size, shape, weight, skin, running times, strength just as I am....today. The rest of what's ahead is work I need to do inside......I need that work more than I need to loose weight or I need to get stronger or I need to stay off the trails......
seize the day!
My twitter feed is fed by runners.....I'm following people I don't even know because they run. I started with Oiselle flock folks with their amazing bodies and stunning race accomplishments.....Oiselle really strives to surround themselves with winners. Posts such as "take notes 5 race day tips from 1000m national champion" and all the #oiselleflock are filled with emotions and thoughts of "OMG I wish I looked like that" all the way to "why can't I run like that?" On the one hand, the pictures and posts are motivational. Yet, to be very honest, on the other hand, I feel "lack".
I've started following #sweatpink and #girlsgonesporty.....those particular ambassador groups are filled with athletes with a good mix of "all sorts; shapes and sizes and speeds and abilities". I read the books and blogs about the "back of the pack" and how winning is crossing the start line and I struggle. I wrestle with mediocrity.....and why I turn everything into "wanting to be the best" leaving off "I can be". I also wonder why I keep making my life about "always striving"? Is that what life is?
These feelings come bubbling up from my workout yesterday. I've had the flu for two weeks and have been frustrated with the level of "tired" I've been living with. I've not run for two freaking weeks and before that I was just going through the motions on the treadmill in my half marathon aftermath: that place where I could find no motivation to head towards what's next. I started my day with a 5 mile run and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was struggling with my heart rate at the end of the run. I headed into my workout and was asked to get on the scales and weigh. That act of weighing...being asked to allow somebody else to hold me accountable sent me into a tailspin of old muscle memory. Much like the driving binge of a few weeks ago, I had not realized that muscle of dysfunctional thinking was still alive and strong in me.
I'm soul searching right now. I've lost a lot of weight, trained and run a half marathon for me without anybody policing the plan. I don't often need external motivation although I do find I need direction when it comes to training. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I'm not going to do it, I'll be honest and say that as well. If I am asked to not do something, I might do it anyway. I want to enjoy my runs.....I don't mind doing runs that are hard to be able to enjoy my easy runs. I want to get stronger and I do know I need to lose more weight but I want to do it for me. The feeling of somebody monitoring my weight progress and the shame that might come from me not meeting their expectation is NOT what I want from myself. At the end of all this rambling, I want to stop comparing myself to others.
Thus begins my journey of living my life to it's fullest, without comparison to anyone but myself, and finding a bit of support along the way. Support feels so much different than say accountability: one feels like celebration while the other feels like a huge risk for disappointment. I know I have so much digging to do.....but at the start of this....I want to find the celebration of ME. I want to embrace my size, shape, weight, skin, running times, strength just as I am....today. The rest of what's ahead is work I need to do inside......I need that work more than I need to loose weight or I need to get stronger or I need to stay off the trails......
seize the day!
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