De-railed

I wonder if I am lost....I do know where I am though; sitting here on the couch with two border collies tucked on each side of me.  Not lost then but maybe derailed.  See here is the deal: I finished/met a goal that I have been working towards for over a year.  I ran my very first half marathon at Disneyland finishing a good hour in front of the sweepers that were giving me nightmares.  Having never ever run before in my life and, after loosing a lot of weight, I worked and trained and hired trainers to accomplish this goal.  It is done.

I contemplate what is next but in the mean time I am struggling with so many thoughts and visual images from my run.  I read other people's blogs about running sub 7 minute miles....and I read the comments from runners and I feel miserable.  I'm slow, I don't look cute at all while I run, I shuffle especially when I'm tired...and these feelings lead me to asking myself...why the hell am I doing this.  And I've been eating to boot.

The reality is: I do understand there are people who are naturally gifted runners.  I can not change them into believing that somebody like me should be out on the course running.  This is life.....it's real and people can be mean and snobbish no matter the venue I'm in.  I'm doing a lot of soul work right now...why do I want to run?  What do I want to accomplish in my running?  What goal is next?

I do know I want to run faster and with better form, I want to get stronger and I must get leaner.  Increased strength and decreased weight will obviously make me faster......plus looking at form and the fact that I am not engaging my hamstrings or kicking my heels is worthy of a look too.  But more than any of that......I am looking at me and my inside.  Why do I care what I look like when I run?  Why do I care that people think I should not be out there running?? Why can't I just find my joy and be good with me?  Why do I always strive for perfection when there is no such thing as perfect??

No I am not lost, I'm in transition.....I will keep to the work knowing that it is an inside job.

Seize the day!