The Year of Change

I just started reading the book by Jared Fogel, the spokesperson for Subway, the fellow who lost over 250 pounds supposedly while eating Subway sandwiches.  At his heaviest, he weighed in at 450 pounds.  So far, it has been a good read; pretty much every book I am reading and listening to is addressing addiction.  In this particular book, Jared talks about all addictions and I believe, as I delve in further, we are going to look at this in depth.  Ironical that he just got convicted of crimes against children, having sex with minors as young as 13 and being caught with child porn on his computer.  Looks like he might have just traded one addiction for another.

There is a part of me, big huge part, that find him disgusting.....really, child porn is not anything less that pedaling cocaine to our youth.  What the hell is wrong with him, I muse.  I also think about not reading his book anymore....I want my money back....bastard!  Hope he rots in jail because I hear they have a special program in jail for crimes against kids!  Then I step back and think.....your eating is not any different then his child porn.  All that cake you have eaten in the last week......NO DIFFERENCE.  Too bad YOU can't go to jail for your addiction!!!!

It's true.  Addiction is addiction is addiction and the second I stop and think that mine is "better than" any other, I fall prey to being okay living in the dark trenches of a secret life running amok.  I get found out because I have to buy size 30 pants!  I wear my addiction......I think I will keep reading the book looking for insight but instead of pity or revulsion for Jared....I want to find some love for myself.  I'm tired of dragging my addiction along with me for the ride.

I bought a scale for my little bathroom.  Before the scale was in the master bathroom and weighing was a huge ordeal of waiting till Dave was good and gone and by then I had eaten!  Today, I weighed 187.  The first thoughts into my brain were, "well it could have been so worse with the shit you've been shoveling down your throat, missy!"  Second thought: time to get to work.......

MV sent me a book by John O'Donohue called To Bless the Space Between Us.  It is a neat little read that is broken into sections...sort of like a daily devotional where you can self diagnosis then read a little poem he wrote about the feeling. Today I read addiction.....it was pretty freaking awesome.  I already know a moth will kill itself being drawn to a flame....just had not seen myself and my eating that way.

Today, I am going for a little jog down in my bottom pasture.  I am sitting here, all suited up and ready to roll....not sure how far I will go or how long I will go for but I am going.  Meditating at night when I can't sleep has been a real gift as well.  I wonder, in the morning, if that meditation counts or works for that matter...but I am sleeping way better regardless of who might be keeping score.  I also went on to find a few runs to love......Girlfriends Run for a Cure is coming up but is a half of a half.  I'm not sure I can be ready for that in October. This year, the Hot Buttered Rum Run is a 5K or half marathon.  I really loved that run last year.....although it was the start of my pneumonia.  I'm going to sign up for the 5K...it was such a fun run!  Feels good to find runs that I enjoyed last year....weird to not be pushing for St. Jude.

2015 really has been the year of change!

Seize the day!